read that article by Andrew on like, the worst day. the day i say f* all when it comes to our planned spiritual outings. the day when i see literally 100's of Expeditions in Calvary Chapel's parking lot. the three (count us, three) of us participating today managed to tag 32. and all i'm doing is imagining all those self righteous saved f*ers coming out to their --forget gas guzzling enviro stompers-- idols of consumption and proof of God's blessing and saying "Gawddamn treehuggers."
/like.i.said
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…I can’t even believe that look he gave me. I can’t believe he’d blame me for showing him the truth! That’s like saying that nothing is wrong with the world just because you live, like, where that asshole lives and have never seen any news besides Channel 7.
Damnit! Why can’t he see how to meet…
Why am I so needy?
I’ve been doing fine all this time.
Being needy.
But I need him.
......
I applied to 91 jobs today, all of them total mind fucks.
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Q: I wonder how many short fat guys there are in this town wearing kakis and blue oxfords right now.
A: Thousands. Tens of thousands.
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The ocean was particularly beautiful today, all blue and green and being swept up against the beach by a strong easterly wind.
.......
cereal for breakfast. cereal for lunch. cereal for dinner. again today i bit the skin off the tips of my fingers until they bled. today again they raped my soul. "depressed . . . without phone . . . money for rent . . . money for child support . . . money for debts . . . money!!! . . . I am haunted by the vivid memories of killings & corpses & anger & pain . . . of starving or wounded children, of trigger-happy madmen, often police, of killer executioners . . . "1 today again fear rose up in the belly of my soul, erupting in a vast array of symptoms. "Of course this land is dangerous! All of the animals are capably murderous. When I was a boy, my big brother held on to my hands, then he made me slap my own face. I looked up to him then, and still do. He was trying to teach me something. Now I know what it was! Now I know what he meant! Now I know how it is! One must eat the other who runs free before him. Put them right into his mouth while fantasizing the beauty of his movements. A sensation not unlike slapping yourself in the face... Slapping yourself in the face... Slapping yourself in the face..."2
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